Name The Tension and Anchor in Action

Do you ever feel like psychological self-help advice is too easy? Too straightforward? I listen to a lot of podcasts and read many psychology books, with many unfortunately feeling far too formulaic while not having flexibility for my life.

As a team, this year we have been having conversations and trainings on how to be the opposite of formulaic. How can we be flexible and adapt to the uniqueness of people’s lives while maintaining clear, helpful plans? Recently, we discussed paradoxes. Paradox might not sound like a helpful word, but for me, it is central to how I live and work. Since life is not formulaic, it should not be surprising that how we feel about it is also not formulaic. Naming paradoxes then, is what helps calm me in the midst of a turbulent, changing, difficult world. 

Just this morning I was with my kids. Part of me was frustrated and wanted to get away from them. Part of me was incredibly grateful for the moments I had with them. Part of me wanted them to calm down, listen the first time, and act like adults. Part of me wanted to savor the noise and enjoy the uniqueness of the childhood stage. With this paradox, I could either name it or I could feel guilty about it. I could easily feel guilty: “Why am I so frustrated with them when I’m trying to be grateful!?” Or, I could name it, “I want to feel grateful, and I am grateful, but it is also okay that I feel frustrated.” 

Naming the paradox helps also name what is going on inside of us. It’s really just naming the reality without trying to sugarcoat it or make it go away. If paradox does not work for you - try “two things.” What are two things I am thinking or feeling right now that might feel in opposition? How can I make space for both of them to be true? 

Back to our counseling team. We try to make sure that in counseling there is lots of space for many feelings and thoughts. We want to ensure that the counseling room is one place in life where you can go and not rush to solutions but are allowed to feel and be with what is existing in your life. We will be there with you in it all. That being said, people do not like the feeling of being stuck. You may be reading and thinking: “Great, I’ll name the paradox, but then I’m still stuck in my feelings or situation.” 

It may help to then anchor in one action. As a counseling team, this would ideally connect to what we call the “treatment plan.” If someone comes in to work on anxiety, then we have a plan to address the anxiety. If one week they come in with significant stress about parenting their frustrating kids and feeling anxious the whole time, then we may help them anchor in one action that connects with their treatment plan. 

For me this morning, it was a deep breath. I noticed I wanted to be grateful but I was also frustrated. My kids seemed to be doing okay, but we were also doing a lot at once. We turned on an exercise video and did the exercises. Then as it ended, we took a deep breath. At the end, I was not perfectly regulated, but I was more than I had been before. 

Brief Activity: 

1. Think of something in your life that causes you tension right now? What is going on? Can you now name two true things about that situation or tension? It could be two feelings that feel hard to have together. It could be two points of view that feel difficult to reconcile. Name these, write them down, and see if you can just give them a bit of space to both be true. 

2. Then, identify one action you can do in the midst of this tension. Even in the tension of the two things, what is one thing you could do that you would be proud of? What is an action that, tonight when you lay your head on your pillow, you would be proud you took. 

Carl Rogers said: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I change.” For most of us, it really is as simple and difficult as that. We go about our lives not accepting our experience but instead fighting against it. When we can accept what we are experiencing and who we are, we start to have more space to take the next step.