On Toxic Productivity, Perfectionism, and Embracing Limitations

Written by Amanda Frazier, LPC, NCC, PMH-C

I’m a recovering perfectionist. For much of my life, I found my identity through meeting exceedingly high expectations– often expectations that I set for myself. I believed that perfectionism was a positive character trait– something I’d list as a strength in a job interview rather than a weakness. If I could just work harder, be more productive, achieve more, then I would satisfy some deep need within myself that would define my worth. But over time, I’ve learned to see how damaging perfectionism can be not only towards myself but also in my relationships, and I have begun embracing my human limitations. 

The pursuit of perfection feels like a noble one. Our society is littered with messages around self-improvement. We have a whole day once a year dedicated to resolving to be a better version of ourselves. Heck, I’m a therapist who has dedicated her life’s work to helping others feel better and improve themselves. So it is not to say that trying to improve ourselves is bad. It’s good to want to feel/do/be better. But when perfectionism takes root and we try to make our outer experience appear–well–perfect, oftentimes our inner experience is anything but.

Dr. Brene Brown, famed shame researcher, author, and speaker, in her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, discusses the difference between perfectionism and healthy striving as a difference in intention. Healthy striving is growth-based. Perfectionism, on the other hand, is fear-based. Healthy striving asks, “How can I improve?” whereas perfectionism asks, “What will everyone think of me?” Put another way, healthy striving drives you towards meaning and value, whereas perfectionism drives you away from fear and shame. Perfectionism is a means to avoiding suffering that, paradoxically, causes suffering itself. 

Brown discusses in several of her works that shame requires secrecy, silence, and judgment in order to survive. Because fear of judgment is such a powerful motivator for perfectionism, those with perfectionistic tendencies often tend to suffer in silence, refusing to delegate responsibilities or seek out support in fear that they will be seen as weak, incapable, or less-than. There is a belief that if others were to find out about their struggles, they’d be outed as a fraud.

Unrealistic Expectations

So how do we get caught in the perfectionism trap over the pursuit of meaning, value, and connection? For many, even knowing what we value in life is not always simple. We live in a world that glamorizes busyness, the grind, and being self-made. We are fed messages about what we should believe is important, but we don’t always take the time to reflect on this for ourselves. We are inundated with internet culture and social media influencers whose lives are carefully curated to portray an image that we try to emulate. We begin to tell ourselves that if we could just try harder, do better, be perfect, then we wouldn’t have to carry the anxiety and shame of not living up to who we are expected to be. We come to believe that the harder we work towards our goals and the more stressed we are, the closer we are to reaching perfection.

What the Science Shows

Interestingly, the research does not actually support this belief. A 1908 research study by psychologists Yerkes and Dodson showed that there is indeed an optimal level of arousal (stress). Low arousal leads to low performance. However, high arousal also leads to low performance. In fact, the optimal amount of arousal for peak performance is actually somewhere in the middle, as illustrated by the bell curve model of this principle that was popularized by Hebbs in 1955.

For the perfectionist, this information can feel counter-intuitive. However, you may have seen this concept demonstrated in your own life before. If you’ve ever tried to solve a problem and began to feel overwhelmed to the point that you needed to step away, and later came back to the problem able to solve it with ease, that’s the Yerkes-Dodson Law at play. Taking the time to rest and regulate our fight-or-flight response is good for our performance. As perfectionists, we can extrapolate this concept and apply it to other areas where we struggle with high anxiety and shame. I like to think of this principle as an opportunity to give ourselves a little grace. We are actually more likely to achieve our goals when we are not highly stressed and anxious in the pursuit of perfection.

The Shift from Perfection to a Values-Driven Life

So if perfection is not the goal, what is? Values are a guiding force– a compass of sorts– that we can use when we are making fear-based decisions and need redirection. They are a lens through which to find meaning in difficult circumstances. Values are cornerstones that drive motivation and make sense of life. Examples of some core values are:

Connection, Boldness , Peace, Confidence, Balance, Competence

To better understand your own values, you may ask questions such as, “Where do I find meaning?” “What belief is driving this behavior?” “Am I making this choice to align more with what’s important to me or to escape my fear of failure?”

When you start to ask yourself these kinds of questions, you shift from perfection-seeking to values-seeking. If connection is a core value to you, then the self-reliance and isolation that are born out of perfectionism contradict what gives your life meaning. Thus, a values-based response to these behaviors may look like delegating responsibility and expressing the vulnerability that you can’t (and shouldn’t!) do it all. This allows for opportunities for connectedness.

Community-Minded

Perfectionism is contingent on the belief that in order to do it all perfectly, we have to go at it alone. It can lead to isolation due to overreliance on self. It contributes to the false belief that not only must we be able to do it perfectly, we shouldn’t rely on other people to get us there. This over-inflated view of self inevitably leads to feelings of shame. 

We’ve already established that, when it comes to performance, the need for rest is hardwired into our biology. We see this with the Yerkes-Dodson Law. And that means that if we can’t do it all, perhaps we need each other more than we tend to believe we do. Perhaps our limitations are actually good for us. Perhaps they are a means to bring us together in communion with one another. Brene Brown’s research indicates that the antidote to shame is empathy. When we are vulnerable with our shame with someone who is compassionate and non-judgmental, shame cannot survive. Shame depends on the belief that we are alone. Empathy dismantles the belief that we have to be.

Moving Forward

While perfection is an impossible standard, (having limitations is part of being human), we can still yearn to do well and simultaneously recognize that failure is a part of learning. In this way, we can adopt a “both/and” mindset over an “either/or” mindset when it comes to success. We can make decisions that align with our values even as we make mistakes, and allow our limitations to invite us into connection with one another. Ultimately, we find meaning within reasonable boundaries and expectations. We flourish in connection with one another.

“And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.”

— John Steinbeck, East of Eden